How To Permanently Detach From A Narcissist

A friend shared this article with me, and I thought it might benefit a few of my readers as well. xoxox Mercy

Free From Toxic

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There is a lot of information already on the internet about the “no contact rule” and how to implement it. The problem is with the passage of time, people develop relationship amnesia and just around the time relationship amnesia begins to set in, the narcissist, like a tornado will regenerate and strike again. No contact is good but going Stover is even better. No that wasn’t a typo. Stover is a term a friend of mine coined that means the relationship is “So Totally OVER” or Stover. Going Stover is a lot like going no contact only on Red Bull, and best of all it protects against dreaded relationship amnesia.

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An open letter to fathers:

DaddyandIHappy Father’s Day to all of the daddy’s out there!  Being a father is so important.

BEING…. just BEING there can make such an impact on your child’s life.

A father has one of the most important jobs in the world. You are training your sons in how to be men, and you are training your daughters in what to expect from men later in their lives.

If you open doors for your daughter, she will stand at a doorway and expect a man to do the same for her. She will not expect less. If you praise her and treat her like a princess telling her she is beautiful, smart, and full of potential, she will expect no less from any other man; however, if you spend your time with your daughter, belittling her and putting her down, when a man tries to pay her a compliment she will not believe him. She will only believe and expect to be told the negative things she grew accustomed to growing up.  If you beat her, if you beat her mother, she will believe that this is how a man behaves, this is how a husband and father behave, and this is acceptable.

312874_10150288963561662_1508974274_nIs it acceptable? Of course rationally we know it’s not, but when you grow up with it and are conditioned to such behaviors it is all you know.  It is all you expect.

You as a father, your actions, your words, your behaviors… well it’s your legacy for generations to come.

 Yes, generations.

If you beat your child’s mother, if you are unfaithful to your child’s mother, if you speak ill of her, your sons and your sons… sons, and so forth will feel that it is acceptable to do the same.  Your daughter’s will define their worth as a woman by your behavior as a man. They will then seek out men who treat them as you have their mothers because this is what they have grown accustomed to. This is what they expect.

dadandIBeing a father is the most important job you could have. It is your LEGACY. You will define the future for all of your descendants to come after you. Your behaviors have that much of an impact on future generations. It is not too late to make a change if you need to.

 What is the LEGACY you will leave behind?

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Shine

Frances Bacon said, “In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present.”

It is so easy to get caught up in the darkness and the negativity of life. Sometimes the darkness can swallow us like quicksand, suffocating us as we blindly sink lower and lower being ingested by it.  It is hard to remember that we all have a light inside us. No matter how bleak, hellish and nebulous are surroundings are… there is light.

It was Elisabeth Kubler – Ross who said, “People are like stained – glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”

Ignite the light within you. The world is yours to take. Your dreams are within reach. You just need to believe. I believe in you. Many people believe in you. You need to believe in yourself. Take that chance. You are worth it.

Raw Honesty

++Warning++ This is a very personal and raw blog.

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Last week was very hard.  Yes, it was my birthday. That didn’t upset me. Age is just a number. I am blessed and lucky to have lived as long as I have.

I have had three pulmonary embolisms, a small stroke, and a heart filter. I have a blood clotting disorder that has almost killed me multiple times. I attempted suicide more than once in my teens and twenties. Why I am alive today is beyond me, but I’m blessed to be here. I know my existence is for some purpose. I firmly believe we all have a purpose.

On Monday, my family stood in not one but two food pantry lines to make it through the week. I took my boys several times last week to the free lunch summer feeding program that the Police Athletic League is hosting by my home.

It is embarrassing that I have to do that. It breaks my heart that I have to beg for help.  I try to hold back the tears while my boys get their lunches. I don’t want them to see me cry, but it is demoralizing that I cannot provide for them like most families can.

On Saturday, I received a letter again that my medical insurance was cancelled…. canceled AGAIN.  Last year my out of pocket cost for medical insurance was $1 a month. My husband made 1 payment then let it lapse, so I had no medical insurance. This year he signed up again with a $30 a month payment. He made 1 payment and let it lapse. Why I thought I would be worth $30 a month to keep alive is beyond me, when I wasn’t even worth $1 a month.

6107I have been married 23 years. That is half my life. I have 5 children with him ages 6 -23. Can you believe he spelled my name wrong on my birthday card and then laughed about it?

People always tell me how strong I am, and how I have survived through so much. I am not strong; to the contrary, I am weak.  I live in a home where I cannot answer the telephone, where I cannot drive, where I am not on the bank accounts, and where I have to beg for money for basic necessities to survive.

During the first twenty years of my marriage, I was pregnant ten times. TEN TIMES. I had five children and five miscarriages.

I have tried so hard to get out and to get away, but I always feel guilty. I do love him and I always will. He is the father of my children, but I feel like the boys and I deserve better. This is not okay. This is not normal.

He is comfortable standing in food lines. He is comfortable expecting other people to pay his way through his problems.

I am not okay with this. It makes my stomach turn to stand in those lines and ask for help. My 401 k had to be emptied and my credit is shot.

I have tried to get away. I left a few years ago, but was only making $25,000 a year and had 4 of my 5 children still at home. I had to beg and cry to get him to send money to help take care of the kids. He made it very difficult.

Somehow I know I am the problem. It is my entire fault.  I feel like I brought this on myself. I have been told to get a job. I would love to. Right now I am working about five from home. I cannot find a decent paying job.  Most are on commission or with the promise that once things are better I will receive a pay check.  I cannot even get a minimum wage job as a cashier, because my credit report is over 180 pages long.  Oh and we cannot forget the cost of child care.

I do receive royalty checks from my publisher for the books I have written, and every time one comes in suddenly there is no money for groceries, blood thinners, or insulin.

6102All the bills in my name go unpaid. The utilities are in my name. He only pays those after they are turned off or right before they get turned off. That is always another ding to my credit report, and if I was to leave, that is another $500+ to pay off that bill and a deposit to have the utility turned on at my new residence.

I try to put on a happy face. I try to smile through it. I always try to lift others up; therefore, I am seen as strong, but trust me, I am far from it; I am only human.

I cry a lot. I do it when everyone is sleeping. I do it in the shower where no one can hear me. Some days I have no hope.

Other days I talk myself into a positive good mood. Today is the day; something fabulous is coming. I know it! I can feel it; it is in the air. Then some days, it takes every ounce of strength to just breathe, to smile through it, and to exist.

I believe he loves me. I believe he is comfortable. I believe I have no worth or value to him, not even $1.

I believe he is comfortable. I believe I have no worth or value to him, not even $1.

I believe I have no worth or value to him, not even $1.

This causes me to believe I have no worth.

I have no value.

I am not important.

I do not matter.

I believe I do not want to feel this way anymore.

I believe I do not deserve to feel this way.

I believe I need to go. I just wish I could figure out how.

This blog post from the Huffington Post truly made me stop and think….

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It’s my birthday week!

s19Guess what this week is? It’s my birthday week!!! Yeah, I am truly not that excited, but I am thankful for another year and the blessings and possibilities that lay ahead.  I have so many fires in the oven right now, and there is so much change happening quickly. I am beyond excited and want to shout and share it with the world, but I am not allowed to… not yet at least. Just know that it is all very wonderfully, fantastically, phenomenally good.  I am happy; I am hopeful.  It is an entirely different place for me than where I was last year at this time.  I have some cool things to share with you!

dpaulFirst! My latest novel “Obsession of Dylan Paul” will be free for my birthday to anyone who would like to download it to their Kindle at Amazon between midnight PST 6/7 and midnight PST 6/10. If you do not have a Kindle, Amazon will give you a FREE a kindle reader download to use on your device.  I am really excited about it! It’s not out on audiobook yet. I do have a book trailer for it at the end of the post.  Download the book, leave a review, and let me know what you think!! The book is also available in paperback.

Next, a short story I wrote last summer, “Shadows in the Storm” was just released on audiobook! Yes, that is my voice reading the story! I hope you can check it out. It is also available in paperback and on Kindle. aaBookCoverPreview

“Combustion,” released in February is still doing well and available in paperback, audio and on Kindle.  At the end of the post, you will find a book trailer for it.

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adeceptionCoverFinalAnd don’t forget “Silence” and its sequel “Deception” both of these books are part of the NAWS series. A third installment in that series will be released soon. Both of these books are doing outstanding and are available on Kindle and in paperback.  Several libraries are now carrying the NAWS series. Check with yours to see if they have them. If they don’t, ask them to order them.

All of my books are currently available in about a dozen countries I believe, I know Canada, the US, Brazil, Denmark, France, the UK, Japan, and many more are carrying them.

We have received some requests for book signings and or the possibility of purchasing autographed copies of the books. If this is something that you are truly interested in please feel free to inquire at author.mercedesmontgomery@gmail.com Either I, or someone from my team will get back to you ASAP.

Thanks for supporting me this year. Thank you for purchasing my books. Thank you for reading my blogs. Thank you for giving me the strength I have needed to get through some horrific and difficult times, and most of all thank you for allowing me to be there for many of you, allowing my words to lift you up and give you hope and strength when times have been difficult for you.

Xoxoxo

Mercy