++Warning++ This is a very personal and raw blog.
Last week was very hard. Yes, it was my birthday. That didn’t upset me. Age is just a number. I am blessed and lucky to have lived as long as I have.
I have had three pulmonary embolisms, a small stroke, and a heart filter. I have a blood clotting disorder that has almost killed me multiple times. I attempted suicide more than once in my teens and twenties. Why I am alive today is beyond me, but I’m blessed to be here. I know my existence is for some purpose. I firmly believe we all have a purpose.
On Monday, my family stood in not one but two food pantry lines to make it through the week. I took my boys several times last week to the free lunch summer feeding program that the Police Athletic League is hosting by my home.
It is embarrassing that I have to do that. It breaks my heart that I have to beg for help. I try to hold back the tears while my boys get their lunches. I don’t want them to see me cry, but it is demoralizing that I cannot provide for them like most families can.
On Saturday, I received a letter again that my medical insurance was cancelled…. canceled AGAIN. Last year my out of pocket cost for medical insurance was $1 a month. My husband made 1 payment then let it lapse, so I had no medical insurance. This year he signed up again with a $30 a month payment. He made 1 payment and let it lapse. Why I thought I would be worth $30 a month to keep alive is beyond me, when I wasn’t even worth $1 a month.
I have been married 23 years. That is half my life. I have 5 children with him ages 6 -23. Can you believe he spelled my name wrong on my birthday card and then laughed about it?
People always tell me how strong I am, and how I have survived through so much. I am not strong; to the contrary, I am weak. I live in a home where I cannot answer the telephone, where I cannot drive, where I am not on the bank accounts, and where I have to beg for money for basic necessities to survive.
During the first twenty years of my marriage, I was pregnant ten times. TEN TIMES. I had five children and five miscarriages.
I have tried so hard to get out and to get away, but I always feel guilty. I do love him and I always will. He is the father of my children, but I feel like the boys and I deserve better. This is not okay. This is not normal.
He is comfortable standing in food lines. He is comfortable expecting other people to pay his way through his problems.
I am not okay with this. It makes my stomach turn to stand in those lines and ask for help. My 401 k had to be emptied and my credit is shot.
I have tried to get away. I left a few years ago, but was only making $25,000 a year and had 4 of my 5 children still at home. I had to beg and cry to get him to send money to help take care of the kids. He made it very difficult.
Somehow I know I am the problem. It is my entire fault. I feel like I brought this on myself. I have been told to get a job. I would love to. Right now I am working about five from home. I cannot find a decent paying job. Most are on commission or with the promise that once things are better I will receive a pay check. I cannot even get a minimum wage job as a cashier, because my credit report is over 180 pages long. Oh and we cannot forget the cost of child care.
I do receive royalty checks from my publisher for the books I have written, and every time one comes in suddenly there is no money for groceries, blood thinners, or insulin.
All the bills in my name go unpaid. The utilities are in my name. He only pays those after they are turned off or right before they get turned off. That is always another ding to my credit report, and if I was to leave, that is another $500+ to pay off that bill and a deposit to have the utility turned on at my new residence.
I try to put on a happy face. I try to smile through it. I always try to lift others up; therefore, I am seen as strong, but trust me, I am far from it; I am only human.
I cry a lot. I do it when everyone is sleeping. I do it in the shower where no one can hear me. Some days I have no hope.
Other days I talk myself into a positive good mood. Today is the day; something fabulous is coming. I know it! I can feel it; it is in the air. Then some days, it takes every ounce of strength to just breathe, to smile through it, and to exist.
I believe he loves me. I believe he is comfortable. I believe I have no worth or value to him, not even $1.
I believe he is comfortable. I believe I have no worth or value to him, not even $1.
I believe I have no worth or value to him, not even $1.
This causes me to believe I have no worth.
I have no value.
I am not important.
I do not matter.
I believe I do not want to feel this way anymore.
I believe I do not deserve to feel this way.
I believe I need to go. I just wish I could figure out how.
This blog post from the Huffington Post truly made me stop and think….