Boundaries

se2Sometimes the world seems like a really crazy place.  For years I have let others dictate my mood and control my emotions.  I’ve let situations effect how my day would turn out.  Recently, I’ve realized I cannot please everyone. Anyone who knows me in real life knows I give 150% nonstop. I try to please everyone, even when it jeopardizes me, my dreams, and my goals. I have always put myself last while lifting others up. Perhaps it is because I have never felt like I deserved to be first.

Chaos is like a cancer and just eats away at the world around me. It grows and spins out of control. It is destructive, and slowly destroys my core, my soul, my spirit…

One of the greatest things I have learned recently is that yes, the world is crazy and sometimes a vicious place, full of people who don’t have your best interest at heart.  There are manipulators, those that pass judgment, those that have ulterior motives and those that just want to use you under the guise of friendship.

I have always had issues with trust and abandonment. If you have read past blogs such as any of these you will understand why.

1. Attempted Suicide

2. Living on the Streets

3. Mommy

When I finally open up and trust someone enough to let them into my world, my inner circle, my deepest thoughts and secrets I give them 150%. I love completely with all of my heart. I am compassionate, caring, a fighter, and a problem solver. I’m talented, funny, and I try to be the best friend possible to those I’ve let in.

Oh the craziness… the chaos… the games…. they exist.dress6

No matter how nice or supportive I try to be, sometimes people want more than what I have available to give and it really hurts that I cannot give them what it is they are asking for. I have found that when someone is use to you dropping everything at any moment to be there for them and their needs and suddenly you can’t, they can be mean. The people that you have always been there for, the people that you have lifted up, supported, talked with till the wee hours of the morning… can cut you where it hurts most. They know your weaknesses, your vulnerable spots, they know how to hurt you and they do.

So where does this leave me?

Do I become a cold callous bitch?

I’ve been called that recently among many other names.

Do I no longer trust anyone? Do I not allow anyone to ever become close to me again?

s19I can’t do that. It is not who I am. I am nurturer. I care about people.

Needless to say I have discovered the word boundaries. People have been crossing boundaries with me for years, and I’ve let it slide because I never felt that I was worthy.

I now have boundaries. I no longer take abusive behavior from others. This past weekend a woman I have never met who listened to me on the radio in Alabama questioned my parenting on my Facebook page because of the neighborhood I currently live in. I believe she asked during her diatribe, “Why would you ever move your children into such an awful neighborhood?”  Of course my response was, it is what I can afford. What other response could I have had? mercy5

Her judgmental post on my parenting left me in a state of tears. Crazy right?

My kids they are my world. I have sacrificed so much for them and I love them more than life itself.  Several of my friends who know me chimed in and shut her down.  I realized,  I am valuable to them.  Not all people are hateful, mean, judgmental etc… If I was worth them standing up for me, then I was worth standing up for myself.

I posted something to the effect of; “I accept all friend requests on Facebook.  It is a privilege to be on this page. It is not something you are entitled to. I wish you well in your future endeavors.” And I blocked her…

Now she was not the first person I ever blocked but a switch went off in my mind that night. I have boundaries. I cannot please everyone. I do not need to take disrespect or abuse from anyone.

Today I was frantically trying to meet a deadline. I was working in the studio. Mic was up and cued. I was having an issue with bitrates, files and conversions and I went to Facebook and asked a question to those that I have worked with in radio.

One gentleman I have never met posted a comment in the thread, and then he sent me private messages completely freaking out that I did not respond to his off topic comment. I explained politely that I was not trying to be rude.  I was trying to meet a deadline. He said I was being rude by ignoring him and his exact words were to F*ck off….  Oh he said a few other things to, including that he was going to unfriend me. My response…. I wish you well.

s5He sent me a message tonight apologizing. Would you let him back on your friends list?

Boundaries… They are a wonderful thing…

You don’t have to accept craziness into your life. You do not need the chaos to survive. The world is a perfect place that you create for yourself. That is what I have learned this week. The world is a perfect place. It will keep spinning and the sun will shine. You don’t have to please everyone; in the end the only person you truly have to please is in fact yourself. You will live with you for the rest of your life. Friends they come and go, but you will wake up with YOU every day until the day you die.

Surround yourself with good people, people you trust, and never feel guilty about cutting away the cancer that eats at your spirit, your soul, your core. You owe that to yourself.

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Last night I had a surreal dream…

grandma (2)Last night I had a dream that I was sitting in a field. The grass was tall around me.  As the wind blew it swayed like ripples in an ocean. There were beautiful purple wild flowers everywhere. There was a sense of calm and peace. It was quiet like no quiet I had ever known. My soul felt rested. My spirit felt safe for the first time I can ever remember. Part of me wondered if I had died.  I didn’t feel sad; I felt completely at ease. I was alone, but I was not lonely.

Then I heard a voice. I searched my memory trying to figure out where I had heard that voice before. I knew I had and often but when, where? It was very familiar to me. Then suddenly there was a wind gust and my hair blew back and danced around my head as the wind swirled around me.  It was almost like a hug.  I felt this sudden, overwhelming, sense of pure love around me.  I heard the voice again, and this time I knew it was my grandmother.

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She passed away around 10 years ago. There were times in my life where she raised me because my parents could not. When I was with her I knew unconditional love. She loved me when I was my baddest, ugliest, angriest, meanest. She loved me no matter how good or naughty I was.  She was strict. She was firm. She was the most amazing woman I have ever known.

She wasn’t very tall, but people feared her.  Not because she was violent; I never saw a violent side to her. People feared her because she told the truth whether you wanted to hear it or not. She held nothing back. She was confident and outspoken.  She was brave and strong.  She was everything I always wanted to be. She was what I envisioned for myself. She was my hero.

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She said that she was proud of me for speaking out and speaking up but she said I needed to stop living in fear. I will always be stuck in idle if I continue to live in fear.

She said, I need to jump in with two feet. I need to jump with confidence. If I fail, I fail, but I will have learned something from it.  She told me not to worry about what is right or wrong, or IF I will make a mistake. She laughed and said I will make mistakes, many mistakes and mistakes are okay because they are lessons given to us to learn.

She asked me to think seriously, if I want to truly learn and grow, or if I want to sit and be stuck.  She said I will succeed if I try. Success is there for my taking if and only if I promise to leave fear behind.

She told me she loved me, she believed in me, and now was the time for me to believe in myself, if I wanted to feel alive, really feel alive, I needed to jump.

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As I write this post, I can feel her in my heart. I don’t know how to explain it, but she is here with me right now.  I feel this overwhelming sense of love surrounding me and protecting me like I did all those years ago when I was a child in her arms. It feels like I am ready to take my first steps again knowing that if I fall, she is there to catch me.

I loved her. I admired her. I still love and admire her. She was and will always be my hero.

I am giving away 25 FREE Audio copies of Combustion! Want one?

I have lots of exciting news!!

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 FIRST

I am giving away 25 audio copies of Combustion! Yes, 25 copies for free in exchange for honest reviews.

The first 25 people that email me at author.mercedesmontgomery@gmail.com will receive the files. Each Chapter is an individual mp3. The length of the book from start to finish is 3 hours and 28 minutes.

Please be over the age of 18. The book does have violence, sexual situations, and profanity.

  I am VERY excited to be able to share my work with you!

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                                   SECOND

I am up for a Shorty Award…. The Shorty Awards are the equivalent of The Tony’s, The Emmy’s, The Grammy’s. It is just for social media users.  I am nominated in the Author category and would love your vote. I need to secure as many votes as possible to be a finalist. Voting closes on 2/19/15.  Go to Shortyawards.com and click on vote for an individual, then click author in the drop down box, and type in my handle MizzMercy

 THANK YOU

Below is a copy of my children’s reactions….. LOL at least the dog was excited! He jumped up and hugged me! Also there is a video with past winners talking about the Shorty Awards.

                                                                       GO VOTE!!! PLEASE!!!

This morning….

Love-Heart-ImagesI went to the grocery store this morning. It is cold here in Florida. I am making 2 huge massive pots of chili, so I needed to get supplies.

Now I admittedly have a bad habit, I listen and watch people. I look for characteristics, stances, facial twitches, the way they walk, their speech pattern,  their conversations, words they use often etc… I was trained to do this to develop characters as an actress when I was studying theater at Western Illinois University many years ago. I now use this habit to develop characters for my books and my scripts.

As I was shopping this morning, I saw two older men talking in front of the bacon.  They were angry and agitated, so I had to listen in, right? Seriously, what could make two old men so upset at 8 in the morning on a Sunday in front of bacon?  I mean they were right there blocking the bacon. Bacon is happiness…

Okay I am getting distracted, and I have not had caffeine yet which does cause me to babble.

The one man was angry because he woke up to a homeless man sleeping in his back yard again. He said, “I wanted to get the hose and hose that mother*cker down.”

The other man said, “No way man. You can’t do that. I did it once. I hooked the hose right up to the house and turned it on.  The police will give you a ticket for over $700 and when I did it the man had an Iphone in his pocket and I had to buy him a new one for $750.”

What?!?!

I stood there dumbfounded pretending to look for bologna.

Who would be so inhumane that in this weather they would take a hose and hose down a homeless person?

I live downtown in the hood, and I assume they must too because of the grocery store we were shopping in.  I have had to call the police when a homeless person passed out drunk in the back alley behind my house.  I went out to walk the dogs at night and he was lying in the roadway. People drive up and down the alley to pull into their garages and parking pads. There are very few lights and he could have easily been run over.  Never in my wildest dreams would I even consider hosing a sleeping homeless man down.

How can people be so heartless?  I can hear the arguments now, “There are shelters he can go to!”

Yes, there are shelters, but as a person who was once homeless, shelters turn people away. Some shelters will turn away people because of their addictions. If you had alcohol or drugs that day, you cannot sleep there.

I can hear the self-righteous argument now, “It his or her choice to do drugs or drink. They brought it on themselves.”

I am truly happy for those people that say that. It means that they themselves have never faced an addiction, or had a loved one with an addiction problem. If they had, they would know the individual had/has very little power over their addictions until they get the help and support needed to battle them.

Hosing a human being down, hosing any living thing down in this frigid weather is callous, cruel and just plain wrong.

We need to lift each other up as human beings. We need to be compassionate to all who are around us. We have no idea of the battles and demons people are facing, whether they are a celebrity, a homeless woman sitting outside a park, a politician, a mother with a child…

There is a story behind each person that made them the way they are. That causes them to make the decisions they make.

Open your eyes while you are out today and see the people you don’t normally see. The people you look past or look through. Reach out and help someone, even if it is just with a kind smile or a sweet hello.  You have the power to change some ones day for the good. I challenge you to do it!

Love_heart

To live

se2It is so easy to slip into that place of hopelessness and despair.  For me a trigger can do it. Something as simple as a smell, a phrase, a photo… can send me down a path of bleakness.

I’ve tried to kill myself in the past. I’ve felt alone, sad, scared, unloved and empty. These feelings are part of being human, and while the trauma I have endured in my life may or may not justify these emotions, they are real emotions, ones that many of us have felt.

Are my feelings wrong? No.

Can they just be turned off? No

Should I just get over it and move on? No, not if I am not ready.

The one thing we have to remember is that each and every one of us serves a purpose in this world. We need to learn to love and respect each other, embrace our differences, and lift one another up. s19

We need to learn to love and respect ourselves.

I have a role to play in this world, and you have a role to play.

We exist for a reason, even if we don’t know what those reasons are. We are here to serve a purpose.

It is time to stop doubting, fearing, and questioning. It is time to believe in yourself and to live… to really live.

What will you do today to live completely without question, without fear, without doubt?

I challenge you to live today. 

Love

Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Love is on many minds. It’s like a mad rush with some of my friends; they are worried they have to be in a relationship before the 14th. Why? Why is a consumer based holiday so important that you are willing to rush something that should happen naturally. Why fear being alone on Valentine’s Day? It is no different then any other day.

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I was challenged to step outside of my comfort zone and write a poem about Love. I haven’t written poetry in years.

Hmmmm? Not everyone will agree with this… but here is my attempt…

Love

by: Mercedes Montgomery

copyright 2/2015

Love

I believe with all of my heart

That not having anyone to love

Is a true advantage

Cold and callous as it may seem

Love

Is a death sentence from the start

If you are deeply madly in love

Worry begins to ravage

Twists and turns oh how it schemes

Haunting,

hurting,

 betraying,

abandoning,

fearing

Love

So I prefer to play it smart

I run away from signs of love

I protect myself from damage

Shhh and silence oh how they scream

Contest! Do you want to win all 4 of my books autographed?

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My newest novel COMBUSTION was released today! I am really excited about it and okay, extremely scared.  How can one be both?

Easy! I did it again. I am really proud of myself for completing 4 books in under a year and getting them all published, into major book store chains, and available worldwide. That all excites me!

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Then the trepid fear of, “Oh my gawd, what if they hate it?” washes over me;  that scares me. We all want approval, especially when it comes to our art.

I think I need to look at it from a different perspective then I am.  I write to heal myself. In the process of writing I’ve been told by others that I have helped heal them, or helped them face issues they are dealing with; sometimes just knowing you are not alone is all you need.

If I look at it from that perspective, I am successful. I have nothing to be scared of.  As a woman, a rape survivor, and an abuse survivor, I have personally grown, healed, and bloomed into a woman that will stand on the front lines with her head held high and dare anyone to cross her.

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I have MORE exciting news!

We are having a contest that will take place from February 1, 2015 to April 1, 2015 (midnight)

The prize is a copy of ALL 4 of my books autographed by me to you personally! You will get Silence, Deception, Shadows in The Storm, and Combustion. They will be mailed on April 28, 2015. The winner will be announced on April 15, 2015 on all of my social media sites. 

There will only be one winner.  The contest will be judged by my Management /Attorneys.  I will not be a judge, because I make it a point to get to know everyone that contacts me on social media.  That could create an unfair advantage.

Now what are the rules? What is this contest?

The contest:

We want you to create a book trailer for any of my 4 books.  Did you have a favorite?  Go ahead and make the trailer for it.

  • It must be uploaded to Youtube with me tagged in it.
  • It must be within 2 – 4 minutes long.
  • It must be uploaded by April 1st, 2015 at midnight
  • You must be 18 or older. (My books are R rated)
  • You must live in the United States or in Canada.
  • You must tag me in it on Social Media so we see it!
  • You can enter as many different book trailers as you want.

Here is a sample book trailer that my son made for my newest novel Combustion: 

 

Book trailers are so cool because there are so many things you can do. Search the word book trailer on Youtube. You will find a person pretending to be a news reporter discussing the event from a book. Others will be acting out a scene with the dialogue of specific characters from a book; some will be just a song with quotes from the book, much like a lyric video, maybe it will be a video of people holding the book or talking about the book…. You decide… you have 100% creative freedom… (well make sure to follow youtube rules)

GOOD LUCK and if you have any questions post them here or email me at author.mercedesmontgomery@gmail.com  

I am excited! I cannot wait to see what you come up with!