Conversation with 6 yr old at bedtime…..

A funny conversation tonight while putting my 6 year old Bo to bed

Bo  – These Girl Scouts they are tricky

Me- Oh yeah why?

Bo – They get us to give them money for their cookies. They come to my house and say buy my cookies. I’m not going to say no, they have cookies. Then they get me to like them because they have cookies so I buy more cookies and now Im liking girls because they have cookies

Me laughing – uh huh that’s girls for you…..

Bo – yeah but before I know it they are going to get me to buy them jewelry so I can have their cookies…

Me now laughing with tears streaming down my face— You have no idea Bo…..

hahahahahaha

I lost my best friend

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This is a very hard post for me to write. I lost my best friend Friday afternoon. She was the only one I could always count on for a hug at any time. She was always forgiving, even if I had been short tempered with her. She knew when I was sad and would be there for me. When I was happy she reveled in my happiness with me. I could talk to her about anything and everything and she always listened. She was so beautiful and so loving. I have found myself alone a lot lately because of current circumstances, without many friends around in the “real” world, but she was always, always there. She was my rock. She was truly my best friend. My heart is broken and it aches for Goldie.

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We rescued her in Nashville many years ago. She had been found wandering the streets with icicles in her fur. They believe she had been hosed down by her previous owners and left out in the freezing weather. We took her in. We loved her so much. Over the last few months she became sicker and sicker. Her beautiful fur began falling out, she was having accidents, she was in pain, it was time, but it was so hard to say good-bye.

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So I sit here writing this with tears streaming down my face.

She loved to smell flowers, and when we would go for walks she would stop and smell the flowers in everyone’s flower beds. I recall one day she realized that trees had flowers too. A dog wood was blooming in a neighbor’s yard and she hopped up on two legs to sniff those flowers as well.

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She was a beautiful dog. She was my best friend and my heart is completely broken. I know many people just won’t get it. It’s just an animal; it’s just a pet, but Goldie was so much more. She was family.

I listened to my 6 year old say his prayers tonight, he asked God, to watch out over her. He said she liked to have her butt scratched, and to scratch behind her ears. She liked to play ball but not too much. He asked God to give her a cookie and a bone for him and to let her know that he really loved her and that he missed her.

I miss her too.

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I know now she isn’t in pain. I can still see her eyes smiling at me, her tail wagging, and her pressing her head into me like she’s giving me a hug. She always gave the best hugs.

Rest in Peace Miss Puppy

goldie

Combustion! February 2014

I have a new novel coming out in just a few weeks called Combustion! All major book retailers will be selling it, and it will be available in the US, Canada, the UK and throughout Europe. You will be able to get it online at Amazon.com as well. Keep an eye on my Author page for the official sale date: Mercedes Montgomery

I’m talking about the new book here in this video! Yes, I know I am dork, but I am learning to except and embrace my inner dorkiness. Oddly enough I have learned some people find it appealing. 🙂

I feel….

I just woke up from a freaking nightmare. Why do I have these as a grown woman? I am all agitated, angry, and just fed up. I wonder if it is some kind of warning, like act now or else. I’m frustrated. I just want to be asleep but now the nightmares.  The thing is some people would say oh that isn’t a bad nightmare, but I guess in my case it is because it is so close to reality.

I dreamt that my 6 year old and I were walking in the dark up a street I had never seen before. I was carrying a beat up old box of clothes that was falling apart. I had found a place to work and they had a back room where he and I could sleep. I was feeling excited and happy.

We came to a grocery store/pharmacy kind of place. I reached in my pocket and saw I had $5.  I asked the clerk if I could keep my box by the register and took my sons hand. He was hungry and I walked through the store trying to figure out what I could buy for $5 that would feed him for a while. I picked a few things and brought them to the register. I found another dollar and gave the man $6.  I was really excited to find another crinkled dollar bill in my pocket. My son smiled at me as I said, “That’s a good sign it’s going to be a good day.”

The man at the register rang it up and said $10.49. I said, “Something must not have come up on sale.” Then I told him to take other stuff off because people in line were upset.  I went to get our box and it was gone. I looked up at the man and said our stuff, the box, you told me I could leave it here, it’s gone. He said oh we threw it away it was just full of rags. I started to cry holding my sons hand and said it was all our clothes and the only stuff we had left.  You told me to leave it here by the register.  He said, “I’m sorry we threw it away.”

Why am I crying? Why did this scare me?  A scary monster didn’t jump out of nowhere. No serial killer was chasing me with a knife.  Why did this frighten me so much?

It is the reality I live in. I never know when I am going to lose my home again, or if there will be enough money to feed the kids, keep the utilities on, or buy simple basic necessities, like socks, shoes, toothpaste.

How did I get here?

I blindly trusted and followed.

Loyalty got me to where I am now and fear keeps me here.

My son’s eyes in that dream looking up at me just slashes my heart. I try so hard to be a good mother and to stay positive for my children but I feel like I just don’t have the strength some days to just smile through it.

I see no hope for a future when my world just sits in idle.

I have tried so hard to create change to make change. I feel like that child at camp with two sticks rubbing them together and no spark or flame happens.

I’m rubbing these sticks so hard my fingers are bleeding and my arms have become weak. I feel like giving up. I feel like there is no hope. All I have is this carrot being dangled in front of me. I feel like the world is full of nothing but lies and liars. I feel broken. I feel scared. I feel…..

Shh Secrets……….

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Secrets…… we all have secrets….

Some are bigger than others…. Why do we keep them?  Is it to protect ourselves or to protect others? Is it because we are ashamed of the secrets we keep?

I have always been very open about my deepest and darkest secrets, I have written about my childhood, my attempted suicide, my life living on the streets…. Yet I still have secrets.

Some I refuse to write about, but I know in time I will. I have shared some of my secrets that I have not written about with close friends and family, people I have felt safe with.

I have this one secret that consumes me and my nightmares. It took control of my life at a very young age and effected every decision I ever made. It has caused me to be apologetic, even at inappropriate times. It has caused me to break into tears and cry for what may appear to others as no apparent reason. It has caused me to not be able to take pleasure in activities that so many other people find gratifying.  This secret has always made me feel unworthy of love or respect.

So what is this secret? I shared it once with someone who was supposed to protect me, love me unconditionally, someone I was supposed to be safe with.  It backfired and was used against me. I was hurt, mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually …. So I never shared it again……….

ever……

Yes……

It is that vile of a secret.

Recently I was talking to a friend of mine. I have known him for at least 12 years. I think of him as family more than just a friend. I trust him. I care about him, and I know he looks out for me too.

I made the mistake of casually mentioning how I don’t enjoy something he was talking about. He couldn’t fathom why anyone could dislike this thing he was passionate about, and he pushed. I repeatedly said I am not ready to talk about this and I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to talk about it with anyone ever again.

He pushed some more…

I explained it’s nothing you can just write about.  I can’t put it into words on paper. I am not even sure I could have those words or that secret fall from my lips let alone my keyboard. Maybe someday there will be someone I will love and trust enough to share this secret with, but I am not sure I will ever trust anyone enough again.

My friend waited a few days and then pushed some more offering to share his secrets with me. I am honored that he is willing to do that, but I can’t share this one secret.

It is so abominable that I can taste acid in the back of my throat just by even thinking about it. When I close my eyes, I can go back to that exact moment, that exact time, that exact place. I can smell Polo cologne mixed with Lysol, I can see blue gingham wallpaper, grey paneling, I can hear laughter… I can see and feel and experience this moment, this nightmare that changed my life…..

over and over……

again and again…..

and just writing this….

These simple words without even telling anyone my secret…..

I find myself sitting here at this keyboard shaking…..

crying……

and trying to catch my breath…

and so I write.

I write my stories in my books, my scripts, my blogs… I take bits and pieces of me, my truth, my stories and I insert them into my writing.  It’s healing for me to write. Through my writing, I work through my past, my joys, my nightmares, my life.

I met a woman recently who approached me to autograph her copies of my books. I was eager to do so and she said something to me I never realized myself.  She pointed out that all the female lead characters in my novels were never saved by a man.

Wait! How could the author not realize this repetitive behavior in her own books, right? Honest, I didn’t realize that I do that until this woman, I had never met, pointed it out.

But she is right; the female characters in every book I have written have always saved themselves.  Yes, there were male heroes, but when it came down to it, the female lead has always saved herself and sometimes the male character too.

What does that say about me as a writer? I am working through difficult topics, issues and….. boom!!! Suddenly, someone comes  and opens my eyes up about my own writing.

So thinking about this, I think, subconsciously, I know that I am the only one who will save me.  I am my own hero, and I will save myself.

As for my secret, does it really matter to you, to my friend, to anyone other than me?

My secret has made me the woman I am but I think my writing is slowly making me to the woman I will become.

Thank you to everyone who has been with me on this journey, your support, your love, your faith in me, means more than I could ever say. Please know I appreciate each and every one of you. xoxoxo

Mercy

Metamorphosis

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What makes you happy?

I’ve been asking myself that a lot lately.

What makes me happy?

What would make me happy?

Can anything or anyone really make me happy?

No one is responsible for my happiness but me.  No one is responsible for your happiness but you.

I know when I focus on what doesn’t make me happy, I am in a downward spiral.  I find the more I think about or focus on the negative the more I don’t like myself. If I don’t like myself, how can you or anyone else like me? Yes, that matters to me, and yes, I know it shouldn’t.

I have found that I find happiness in showing compassion, love, humor, and creativity.  I have made it a point that I will focus on and use those 4 gifts that give me happiness daily. Not only will I benefit from it, but I think I can use those gifts to help others. Helping others, that makes me happy too.

I have this crazy notion that I can change the world. Okay, I know I cannot do this alone, but if I touch and change one heart and they touch and change another, soon the world will sway in the right direction.  Right?

What makes you happy? Have you ever thought about it? Is there something that gives you joy that you could focus on daily, even if it is for just 15 minutes a day?  I challenge you to find at least one thing and for the next week focus on it daily. At the end of the week where were you emotionally? Did you feel happier and stronger?

I have another challenge for you too! This one is even harder. If you have been following my blog I talked in an earlier one about how I had no intention of having a New Year’s resolution. Instead of finding things I want to change about myself, I wanted to find things I love about myself and embrace those things.

Okay I admit… that sounds vain and yes it sounds easy, but trust me it isn’t easy, and if I was vain I could come up with 100 things in the blink of an eye.

I struggled with this and I have only found a few things I love about me. I still have a few hundred days to find more before 2015 runs out.  I want you to try this challenge too. Can you come up with 100 things that you love about you?

Here is what I have so far:

  • I am an awesome mom
  • I am very creative
  • I have amazing eyes
  • I am compassionate

Yes, that is all I have so far. Do you have any suggestions for me? Email me at author.mercedesmontgomery@gmail.com

That list will grow as I discover more about who I am and who I’m not this year. I am not the woman I was three months ago. I am not the woman I was last year, five years ago, ten years ago. I am constantly evolving, growing, and changing as are you.

For years I defined myself by the horrific and traumatic events of my past.  I never saw myself as anything more than that. I never believed I deserved anything more than that.  I was not worthy of love, safety, security so I never demanded it. I took what was given to me and didn’t ask or expect anything more than mediocrity and basic survival.  This caused me to continually fall in to the role of a victim over and over again. Now that I have been standing up for myself I am a selfish bitch, or so I have been told. I would rather love myself and be a selfish bitch then to be a doormat and a victim for another year.

A lot of change is coming in my life in 2015. I look forward to sharing it with you as it happens