The Storm

It’s time for open honesty. I feel like I’m drowning. I feel like every time I can see the shoreline another wave comes and knocks me down. It’s hard to breathe. It’s hard to see clearly. My heart actually hurts. I feel helpless and insecure. I feel like I can’t stand up; I can’t be heard. I feel like my words don’t matter.

Do you ever feel this way?

I get so close to freedom and then something happens and I get tossed back into the storm.  Sometimes I wonder if I will ever know true happiness. Will I ever know what it is like to not know fear?

I wish I could share with you where I am and what is going on in my life right now, but I am not sure even I know or understand all of it.

I feel trapped.  I feel scared. I feel helpless.

Part of me wants to just give up and to just stop fighting.  I want to be still and just let the waves take me where they may.

Those of you who know me, know this is not who I am. I am a fighter. I am a survivor desperately trying to become a thriver.  I am not the smartest woman, the prettiest woman, or the most talented woman, but I do have good qualities that I like about myself, and I have to remember to remind myself of this.

I am compassionate. I am an amazing mom with so much love for my children. I have a great sense of humor. I love making people laugh. I love lifting people up.  I have a good heart and a spiritual side that always puts others before myself.

Do you ever remind yourself of all the good things that are inside of you? The things others see, but maybe you forget about? You should do that. Take a moment and embrace the fabulousness within yourself.  We all have something that makes us unique and special, a gift that was given to us to share with the world.  Don’t hide from the world, and don’t waste your gifts.  We never know how many days we actually have.

It’s Thanksgiving and I sit here, in the middle of this storm while being tossed in the waves up against the cliffs and the rocks. I am being pulled further and further away from the shoreline.  I can go under at any moment. The more I fight, the more I struggle, the more I panic, the more I sink and the more this storm has power and control over me.

As I try to breathe and catch my breath I hear a soft voice inside tell me to slow down and be calm. Do not fight; do not struggle. As I slow, I can see my strengths. I can think more clearly. My life has purpose.  I don’t know how, but I will make it to that shoreline.  I have to. My children are counting on me.

Soul Searching

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I have issues. I have MANY issues. I call them my shoes, and there are a lot of shoes in my closet. I’m not proud that I have all of these shoes. I am trying to sort them, deal with them, and run away from them.

One of my many issues is abandonment. I have a very hard time trusting and when I do trust, I open my heart and I love completely. When I feel like I have been abandoned or my trust broken, I shut down; I close doors, and I can’t reopen my heart.

Every person that was supposed to love me or protect me abandoned me when I was younger. When I needed them most, they weren’t there.

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I think of numerous occasions over the last several months where I have let someone in to my world closely only to have my trust broken or to abandon my friendship.

I understand I am a handful.

I understand that what I’m going through my friends should not have to go through with me. They need to protect themselves and I need to learn how to protect myself.

I am scared, and I do not know how to do it alone. I don’t have the ability to talk to many people about what is going on.

Some days it is hard to breathe; it is hard to wake up; it is hard to like who I am.

So knowing that, how can I expect someone else to like who I am?

I hate that I feel all alone.

I hate that I’m scared.

It isn’t fair.

I want to like who I am. I want to feel pretty, smart, confident, but all I feel is hopeless.

Will it change? I don’t know. I don’t think I will ever know.

Some days I wake up and say today is going to be a good day. I try to be positive, no negative allowed, then something happens and my world comes crashing around me.

I know what I need to do, but no one can understand how hard it is to do it. I’m trying. Just know I’m trying.

I keep writing and praying and hoping something will take off. I started an indigogo a few days ago, but the only interest I have seen from it was people wanting me to buy their services to promote it.

I don’t know how I’m going to get out and how I am going to get away and start over.

There have been so many false promises. Everyone makes false promises. The one thing I have learned is that the only person I can trust in this world is me and so I write.

I have written scripts, novels and short stories so many in the last few months. Will you ever see them, maybe, maybe not?

I’m writing to try and sort out my feelings, my head, my dilemmas, my fears, and my past.

What I really want to know is what is in my future? What does my future hold? Will I ever be free? I am trying. I am trying so hard, but I don’t know where to go or how to get there.

This is why I have not blogged in a few months. My world is upside down. My world is unpredictable. My world is out of control. I want to feel safe. I want to feel secure. I want to live. I want to be free. I want control. Is that too much to ask?

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