I found myself having a pity party tonight. I knew I was headed for a downward spiral. Now a lot of FANTASTIC things are going on in my life; however, sometimes one little thing can rock you to your core.
Today was a good day. It had its ups and downs, and was nowhere near a perfect day, but I am thankful I was given another day.
Tonight I realized, again, I was not a priority in the eyes of a person I spent half of my life loyal to and loving. A person I gave up everything for. A person I gave not 1 but 5 children to.
I found myself bitter and angry. I was hurt. I was really hurt. I have always come second, third, fifth, twenty-fifth to things like video games, cartoons, books, and other methods used to escape reality. My needs, not my wants, my needs, as a human being rarely met.
I have had to fight for basic rights and needs to things like medical care, dental care, respect, money, the use of a phone, the security of electric and a home.
I have not one but SEVERAL jobs right now in an attempt to make myself and my children a priority.
I will never be a priority for him. It hurts. It is reality. I know this, and yes we are divorcing because of this, but tonight….
Salt in an old wound….
it’s painful to not be loved…
to not be a priority….
To have never been a priority…
To not matter
I started to dissect my thoughts, because I knew deep down if I continued in the thought process I was in, I would wind up helpless, afraid, and even worse in that deep dark place where some people never return from…
I began to think about relationships I had with other men before I had met my husband 24 years ago. Was I ever a priority to any man in my life?
There was the lawyer. He was hot. He was smart. He was cruel. His needs always came first. I gave and gave, but never did I matter.
There was the bass player from that glam hair band, the guitar player from that rock band, oh and the keyboard player from that pop band. They were super talented. They made me laugh. I loved the thrill of being at their shows and as their girlfriend. It was an intoxicating feeling, but it wasn’t real. I was never a priority, because it had to be about them. They were the star and I was nothing more than a decoration. When they found a shinier one, I was gone.
My first love was the adventurer. He loved camping, climbing, hiking, biking, everything you can imagine, but I never mattered to him either. He had plans. He wanted to experience life and back then I was too afraid to actually even attempt to live my life.
You know, I spent most of my life pleasing people, giving of myself to others, seeking some kind of approval that would never come.
Why? Why do I seek out and stay loyal to men that will never make me a priority? Aren’t I important? Don’t I matter?
So I wiped my tears and stared in the mirror at myself. I am 47 years old. I will never be a priority. I will never matter. I mumbled to myself.
I started down that dark mental path again to the rapids that would pull me under.
Why? Why do I do this?
Then I thought about the true first man I ever loved….. the man who taught me what I was worth and what I would never be worthy of.
He set the example. He never had time. I was never worth his time. I always came second, third, fifth, twenty-fifth…. I never mattered…. I was never a priority. I was a decoration. The good little girl, with the hair bow and fancy dress that was well behaved for his dinner parties and work related events. If I did not meet his high standards at these events, there were consequences to painful to even write about.
I know I have blogged before about my attempted suicide. I embarrassed him that night. His words to me that night haunt me to this day.
I laid on the bathroom floor half conscious. I had taken every medication I could find in the house and I had attempted to slice my wrists. When he found me he screamed, “You cut up and down… not across you F*cking Moron. Can’t you do anything right?” He picked up the knife and started to cut my wrists for me.
God I can hear the disdain in his voice right now in my head, and it has been almost twenty years.
He picked me up and tossed me down a spiral staircase. My step-brother’s girlfriend asked, “Should we call an ambulance?”
He shouted, “No she has been enough of an embarrassment to this family.”
I was never even worthy enough to be a member of “his” family. My family? No it was never my family. It was “his” family, “his home” “his rules”. It was about him. I gave and I gave. I took beatings after beatings throughout my childhood. I took verbal assaults. I bled, I cried, I was bruised over and over and still I tried to make him love me. I tried to be a priority in my father’s life.
All I wanted was to be loved. That is all I have ever really wanted.
I don’t want to be used.
I don’t want to be abused.
I want to be loved.
I want to be a priority.
Is that too much to ask?
It was at that point that I became angry tonight. Not with the soon to be ex. Not with my father, but with me.
I was furious with myself because I NEVER made me a priority.
I never loved myself enough to be a priority.
The person I needed to love me, to respect me, to make me a priority and take care of me, was here all along. I just needed to find her and through anger and tears tonight. I did.
She was right there looking back at me in the mirror.
I started talking to myself out loud. I must have looked crazy with the smeared mascara as. I started to just talk….
I am beautiful.
I am smart.
I am talented.
I am funny.
I am loving.
I am compassionate.
I am creative.
I am gifted.
I am strong.
I am brave.
I am important.
I am an awesome mom.
I am a fantastic friend.
I am loyal.
I am determined.
I am successful.
I am a priority to me.
I do love me, and if no one else ever does, it is okay, because I know I am enough.
I do not need to seek approval of others. I do not need to give of myself freely to users, abusers, and narcissists.
I am enough.
I am smiling as I write that. I am and will always be enough.
Wow! This was a long winded diatribe, but I needed to write it out, and I needed to share it because if any of you are feeling little, small, not worthy, not loved, please know you are enough. You ARE a priority. You ARE important; you exist for a purpose. You have a gift. Each of us are born with gifts and purpose, and you need to share those gifts with the world.
Until next time,